Tonight is a night I drove home and thought to myself “wouldn’t it be lovely if I had an apartment and at home waiting for me was a lovely gentleman, so we could curl up on the couch with pb&j’s and watch a movie. And by watch a movie I mean cuddle, laugh and kiss while the movie plays. Then we would lay in bed and I could talk about how frustrating I find losing my train of thought in the middle of discussion. Or maybe how I finally after years and years of education gain more than disposable information from my professors. Or maybe that I am worried that when I graduate I won’t find a job. Couldn’t a trace my nails along the backs of his hands, as he tells me his recently discovered truths and worries.
Maybe I could tell him that every halloween as a 5-10 year old I refused to be a princess or a fairy. That instead I was Robin Hood, or a Mummy. That my mom sewed every costume. That my mom is probably the most understanding and determined women I have ever met. That I love her, and losing her is a fear I carry around in my heart. Maybe I could let the tears of fear show, and he would clench my hand and rub my earlobe, just like my mom did when I was a little kid.
Maybe he’ll just be silent because that’s what I need. Maybe he’ll whisper a word of wisdom or comfort, because that’s what I need. Maybe he will just be with me because that’s what I need.
Plato’s view on gender is my view on love. We humans started out as creatures, rounded with two faces, eight limbs, two of each and that we were so proud and misbehaving -because we were complete in our happiness- that the Gods decided as punishment they would split us down the middle. They thought that our being able to see these wounds would scare us straight. They took pity on us and shaped us into more pleasing shapes. Our middles once a gaping wound was formed into a smooth stomach and closed at our belly buttons. We were given reproductive organs to give us a way to achieve the same sort of wholeness that our original selves had, during sex. To become one. We are destine to scour the earth looking for our other half so that we may finally be complete.
I know scientifically this is impossible, but who is to say that in our past life we were not in a realm of these dual beings. Two as one, complete and selfishly happy in each other. One self. Arrogant beings that we were we spoiled it by challenging fate. Reborn in this world and life we are lonely. Some have lost their mate, be it death or some other reason and end up alone.
I know my other half walks the earth. I know we may not be destined for each other now, or even years down the road, but what I do know is that someday I will find him. Not because I need to, but because it’s just what is supposed to happen.