So yesterday evening, I met up with one of my very close guy friends, actually for a time being we had been fake engaged on facebook. We went to the local hookah lounge and we talked, about our futures and our lives, and what we wanted and needed out of life.
He really has been one of the first people I could really tell about what I wanted because he wanted the same things. I kept thinking in my head, this is a guy I could marry. Just because of his morals, his personality and his character, and the fact he wanted a partnership instead of just a wife.
I kept thinking that, and at the same time I thought, we could never get married. Not that he’s not physically attractive, or anything like that. He is actually someone who gets me so very well. In fact that’s probably the worst thing. There is no challenge for us if we were to get in a relationship, and if we had a relationship with each other it would most likely be this long term very serious one. He is going into Boot Camp for the coast guard in the fall, and currently he is working as a camp manager about 2 hours away. Eventually he wants to become the best in the coast guard and graduate first in his class, he also wants to be put in dangerous situations and fight for what he believes in.
I can respect this, and I was aglow with happiness that he has found where he belongs, I saw him in school and he was not challenged so he lacked the desire to apply himself. He is happy, and he knows what he wants. I am ecstatic he does, and we both realized we know what we want, and each of us would fit into each others lives, but at the same time there is no… passion. No immediate recognition that we could be a team, and family.
I love Pat, but not in the way I would need to to ever be in a relationship with him. Also, I haven’t had enough life experience to allow myself to settle down. It’s wonderful when you see and meet and know someone who could fit, because now you know that someone does fit, and they are out there.
I know that I am not going to meet someone I am happy with at my school, or even in this town. I have a different set of goals, and desires that hasn’t worked with anyone I have met. As much as I crave a physical relationship, I am not willing to lower my standards of having a fully intellectual and emotional relationship. I don’t do casual physical relationships, its not how I work. I finally can tell myself that I don’t need to look for a relationship, because I won’t find one, at least not where I am right now.
I am sorry for the rant. I am just processing through my feelings. I was supposed to go see my parents this morning and they went hiking instead. I am sore from riding so I declined going with them, now I have to find what I want to do today. I am now, picking through my thoughts.