November 13th, 2012
I left you a hateful message once. I'm sorry, very sorry.
Anonymous

I have to tell you something anon, this something one of my favorite authors said “To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it.” Ernest Hemingway said that. Not to say I don’t accept your apology, but to accept an apology, I would have needed to want one. 

I deleted every negative message. I read them, I think them for a little bit. About the time it takes me to move my mouse to the delete button. Then, click. Gone. Never more. 

Thank you. I appreciate your apology. But, it wasn’t needed. Just try not to be hateful to anyone else. Hate is a wasteful emotion, for you and those you choose to share it with. Some people can’t handle hate. 16 year old me couldn’t. But, I had people around me to help me through hate. Not everyone has that. Be kind. Everyone has hate that they can inflict on others, but it’s choosing not to, it’s choosing to ask yourself why you hate, and what you can do to stop it. 

November 13th, 2012

Alright. I critisized one of these “rules” a couple months ago. I told you all that, firstly I didn’t like the idea that to be a lady, or a gentleman that you had to follow a set of rules set by someone else. 
I want to break down what it means to be a gentleman briefly, at least linguistically.

noun ( pl. -men)
1 a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man : he behaved like a perfect gentleman.• a man of good social position, esp. one of wealth and leisure.• (in the UK) a man of noble birth attached to a royal household.
2 a polite or formal way of referring to a man : opposite her an old gentleman sat reading.• ( gentlemen) used as a polite form of address to a group of men : “Can I help you, gentlemen?”• used as a courteous designation for a male fellow member of the U.S. House of Representatives.

Well, that in and of its self doesn’t justify these rules and their… creditability. Because, being a gentleman is about being the best person that you can be as a man. It’s not a set of guidelines that you can memorize and follow, it’s a lifestyle choice. It’s like the above use of “classy”. Doesn’t it leave a bad taste in your mouth?
Classy… Say a couple times. Use it in a couple sentences. Read out the above sentences.  It makes me feel like the men who read this are taking down notes, instead of actually making an effort. Sure, manners are learned. But hopefully a man who is in a relationship with this “her” is invested in the authenticity of the relationship in which he doesn’t have to look online for ways to be a better partner.
Oh, okay “it sounds classy.” Not that it means something. The word love doesn’t mean anything. It’s the actions behind it. The love you hold in your heart for her is now tossed away because you are only calling her love for the benefit of its sound. There is something wrong about that, at least to me.
I hope my love understands that I won’t be using terms of endearments because it sounds classy, I hope he understands that I use it because that is how I feel.
I hope women expect more out of endearments as well. That he should not take advantage of the vocabulary of words that express the emotions we feel. That they (our partners) don’t manipulate them so that others believe them to be gentleman who hold “class”. 
Words are almost all we have to communicate, and not acknowledging is lazy, which in my opinion is the opposite of a gentleman. 

Alright. I critisized one of these “rules” a couple months ago. I told you all that, firstly I didn’t like the idea that to be a lady, or a gentleman that you had to follow a set of rules set by someone else. 

I want to break down what it means to be a gentleman briefly, at least linguistically.

noun ( pl. -men)

a chivalrous, courteous, or honorable man he behaved like a perfect gentleman.• a man of good social position, esp. one of wealth and leisure.• (in the UK) a man of noble birth attached to a royal household.

a polite or formal way of referring to a man opposite her an old gentleman sat reading.• ( gentlemen) used as a polite form of address to a group of men Can I help yougentlemen?”• used as a courteous designation for a male fellow member of the U.S. House of Representatives.

Well, that in and of its self doesn’t justify these rules and their… creditability. Because, being a gentleman is about being the best person that you can be as a man. It’s not a set of guidelines that you can memorize and follow, it’s a lifestyle choice. It’s like the above use of “classy”. Doesn’t it leave a bad taste in your mouth?

Classy… Say a couple times. Use it in a couple sentences. Read out the above sentences.  It makes me feel like the men who read this are taking down notes, instead of actually making an effort. Sure, manners are learned. But hopefully a man who is in a relationship with this “her” is invested in the authenticity of the relationship in which he doesn’t have to look online for ways to be a better partner.

Oh, okay “it sounds classy.” Not that it means something. The word love doesn’t mean anything. It’s the actions behind it. The love you hold in your heart for her is now tossed away because you are only calling her love for the benefit of its sound. There is something wrong about that, at least to me.

I hope my love understands that I won’t be using terms of endearments because it sounds classy, I hope he understands that I use it because that is how I feel.

I hope women expect more out of endearments as well. That he should not take advantage of the vocabulary of words that express the emotions we feel. That they (our partners) don’t manipulate them so that others believe them to be gentleman who hold “class”. 

Words are almost all we have to communicate, and not acknowledging is lazy, which in my opinion is the opposite of a gentleman. 

October 29th, 2012
I'd like to ask you for some advice, if that'd be okay. There's this boy. He leads this weekly event I go to by playing songs on the guitar and singing. I don't know him too terribly well at all, but what I do know I really like. We've only spoken a handful of times but I'm interested in getting to know him more. I just really don't know how to go about it because I'm rather shy and intimidated by him. What should I do?
Anonymous

Personally, I would maybe bring snacks, baked goods, or treats to the next meeting. Food allows people to talk, about the food, about their tastes.

This would also give you an opener to converse with him. Say hi, ask him about his weekend, a new song he’s playing, or maybe just smile and ask how his day is going.

Guys, well, they don’t need to be impressed by pick up lines, or false attention. Be a friend first, work to that stage. Hang out, get to know one another. Find out more about him that way, and maybe he will make moves to get to know you better as well. 

Sometimes attraction is immediate. Other times it happens over time. Just make an effort to be seen, but not be too aggressive. I sometimes walk that line, I am an aggressive person, socially dominant. 

Best thing to do is to show him who you are, what you like, and most of all know that you are one of a kind. Be confident in the person you are, because you have something awesome to give the people around you. 

I hope this helped, good luck! 

October 8th, 2012

You should love yourself. If not for the pure pleasure of going through life loved, then for those who love you. 

We fight ourselves for a better part of our lives. At least as teenagers. We hate ourselves when we wake up, and then all through the day we lash out at those who love us. 

Maybe we just don’t like ourselves, looking in the mirror. Not at our physical presence, that we can change. We can get up early in the morning and run. We can fit into all the pretty perfect clothes we want. We can cover our flaws with makeup. We can make our eyes look bigger and prettier. We can dye our hair and wear heels that make our butt and legs look more appealing.

But your attitude won’t change. You can’t change the flaws on the inside and the ugly. You have to love it before you can get rid of it. You have to love the way you are before you can change for the better.

We weren’t born bad. We weren’t born with flawed souls. We got those marks and scars, each day we got up, each day we went out into the world. 

Love who you are now. Love who you were as a kid. Hell, even love that asshole 16 year old teenager. Just love yourself, for the sake of the people already trying to love you. 

(Source: thatkindofwoman)

October 2nd, 2012
How do you deal with loneliness and being decidedly single as your friends begin to pair off? Sometimes I feel as though not being in love somehow makes you inferior, but I find that it takes more than just good looks and a bit of wittiness to get me to a stage of such deep affection.

We all crave a partner who will give and take, as we give and take. It’s human nature. Some people find their matches, it seems to us, so easily. One day you are single the next you are not. Then, there are people like us. 

We wait. We have goals, needs, and desires that are in the forefront of our minds when looking for a match. We need someone who is driven like us, with goals, we need people who understand what makes us who we are. We may need someone who is the opposite of us. I am emotional, I am feeling, and I am perceiving. I may need someone who is more judging, and thinking, but at the same time able to be extroverted like I am. 

I approach relationships with a seriousness that is sometimes veiled under my enthusiasm. I want depth and authenticity. It’s much harder for other people, especially men, to understand that about me. 

Now, when it comes to my friends pairing off and dating, well it affects me, but it also makes me realize that everyone has their time to find a partner. And, that no matter what, if you settle, you won’t be happy.

I could date someone, we all could. We can find a nice enough person, that at times makes us feel cherished and loved, but it won’t be enough. 

Love is hard, especially if you are doing it right. At least that’s what I believe. It won’t always be hard, it will be lovely and serene, when you lay down together, or share beautiful moments together. But if you are being yourself truly 100% yourself, and so is your partner it’s going to be hard.

Remember what you want out of your relationships, what you need. Don’t settle, not for yourself, not to go on double dates, and not to make yourself feel less lonely.

Embrace the loneliness, bask in being completely independent. Because once you find the one, the loneliness will be a thing of the past. 

September 18th, 2012
At what age you do stop comparing yourself to others?

I don’t think there is an age. Look at Tavi Gevinson, she’s probably one of the most influential young women on the internet who preaches a life of individualism. But then, we also have 50 year old housewives getting plastic surgery to look like women who are younger. 

I think it comes when you grow internally. You realize you are what you are, and you have what you have. You can make yourself happy at the end of the day, that’s it. If you continually try and meet the standards of others you exhaust yourself. Then you aren’t getting anywhere. 

September 18th, 2012
do you believe someone can be in love with 2 people at once? my boyfriend recently told me he still loves his ex, though they ended badly. we've been dating for more than a year now, and i just feel SO insignificant.
Anonymous

Hmm, sticky situation. Especially to comment on. The bright side is that he is being honest with you, if he were hiding his feelings it would be much worse. 

Have you talked it out with him? How it makes you feel? Have you also considered taking a step back and putting yourself in his shoes? It’s hard to just end a relationship, especially if love was involved, feelings always linger.

Then, you have to consider what to do next. Do you really truly love him? Then you will wait this rough time out. Are you confused? Hurt, or really torn down by this? Then I suggest letting him know that, in very clear terms and discussing what you two can do next.

I hope this helps. 

September 18th, 2012
What do you find therapeutic when it comes to getting over someone?
Anonymous
  • Cooking, the more people the better. 
  • A strong drink, but not overindulging. 
  • Listening to Ceremony by New Order on repeat for a couple hours.
  • Writing a letter to them, then burning it.
  • Letting yourself hurt. 
  • Not letting anyone tell you that it wasn’t special. 
  • Realizing it’s just making you stronger. 
  • Do my hair, and makeup. Put on a fancy dress, and go to a dive bar and kick ass on the pool table.
  • Go to the movies alone.
  • Hug someone.
  • Put on Nancy Sinatra and dance around your apartment singing along to These Boots Are Made for Walking
  • Working out til your legs hurt, and you are exhausted then listening to Someone Like You and weeping for a bit.
  • Waking up the next day and realizing that you are totally and completely independent and responsible for only your feelings. 
September 11th, 2012

Sometimes it hurts. Just growing up. Changing, growing. No longer are you the person you were yesterday because the nights changed you. The days changed you. All the guarantees in life become marks on a timeline instead of moments. We all get broken hearts, nights where the queazy fulfillment of alcohol turns to morning headaches and squinting eyes at the sun. We all punch our pillows until we fall silent, our muscles worked to exhaustion. 

We all wake up and stumble, barefoot to the daylight readying ourselves for our day. We interact with merchants, and sellers. We all see the advertisements that tell us what to be, what to buy. Some of us fall victim, some of us continue on. 

We all sigh heavily at the disappointment of the day. Or throw back our heads and laugh at the glory. We all kick off our shoes. Most, if not all, take moments to scroll through captured words, moments and memories that helps us get over the day, or cherish it. 

Sometimes, you get pushed. Beaten. Sometimes you get lifted, celebrated, cherished. 

Most times you just get up and do what you need to do. Even though it hurts. Because one day it’s not going to hurt as bad. One day you will wake up, after all the hard work, and realize the person you changed into isn’t someone different but just more… well you

(Source: thatkindofwoman)

September 8th, 2012
Do you consider yourself to be a good conversationalist? What do you think most shaped the way you communicate?
Anonymous

I believe I am a reasonably great conversationalist, and honestly I wasn’t until recently. A lot of the time we let other people intimidate the way we interact. We may be trying to get people to like us, or maybe we just don’t find conversation that easy to start or to continue. 

I believe that it comes with a little trial and error. My brother, my sister, my mom, and my dad are pretty great conversationalists. Being raised by them has shaped how I approach conversations.

My mom especially. She is one of the most socially at easy people, even though she doesn’t enjoy it on a regular basis. (She’d much rather be at the farm doing the things she loves.) 

My dad not only publishes a government compliance guide but does seminars for 9 months out of the year on the content he writes. He is constantly talking to people, and he admits one on one conversation is much more taxing for him than to a group. However he has passed down his passion for story telling to me. Which can put a person at easy if the conversation is a bit hard to start.

It took years of awkward conversations, corny puns/jokes (which I still make) and bad timing until I became confident in my communication skills. However I have found that as long as I am asking questions and being genuinely interested in what someone says then the conversation will take you where you need to go. 9 times out of 10 I usually have impressed my personality onto the person and the interaction becomes a pleasure to continue. Being yourself is usually the best way to reveal yourself and unveil someone else’s personality in a conversation. 

Also, be open minded to all types of topics. Just because your interests lay in different places doesn’t mean you can’t find similarities. 

September 4th, 2012

There are stunningly beautiful things in this world. All you have to do is surround yourself with them in a way that comes naturally. 

(Source: thatkindofwoman)

September 4th, 2012

I miss the playing. That’s one of those things a relationship brings into your previously single life. The playfulness that doesn’t come as naturally with others. It’s the need to reach out and touch. It’s the eyeing up each other over a court, table, or field. It speaks for me wordlessly Are you ready? A nod, or just the first move from him is answer enough. 

Next it is the challenge. The need to not only keep up, but push further, past if even for a moment. If you are lucky is fulfills each level, intellectually, physically, and emotionally. Three levels that help you be a better component, or partner.

No matter what you want to do, you will only get better if you are challenged by those who are better at it than you. Playfullness also means there is a need to have fun. Just plain old goofball fun. 

I miss want the playing. 

(Source: thatkindofwoman)

August 25th, 2012
What are your thoughts on intimacy and sex, and retaining a strong sense of being a woman?
Anonymous

Being independent, and being human combat. I know exactly what I want. Or, at the very least I think I know what I want. However, sex and intimacy lend a animalistic approach to life. Sex is an urge, an instinct. Intimacy is vulnerability and trust. Being independent means that you need to acknowledge these urges, these desires, wants… etc. Then, you need to weigh your options, your feelings, the consequences. Then you need to consider who you are, and who you want to be.

It’s the rougher road, it’s work. But, it’s worth it. 

August 25th, 2012
Is it true that we do not love the same once our heart has been broken by a first love?
Anonymous

A broken heart is more than just a failed relationship, it is the combine experiences of love that you have had since birth that is set off by a catalyst. 

Love is scary. Scary as all get out. It makes you vulnerable, you think about loss, about gain, about tomorrow, about 20 years from now. It’s all about how strong you are, about how much courage you have to say I CAN DO THIS, because the person who tempts you fall in love is worth it all.

… or that’s what I have come to figure out. 

August 25th, 2012
What do you do if a friend betrays you?
Anonymous

They aren’t really a friend if they betray you. Friends understand that no matter what there is room for conversation, discussion and healing. It took me 20+ years to find a true friend, but I have one. 

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