I hold myself as accountable as him, all this time later. When I now realize I came in like a hurricane. No warning, with passion, and demands. Wreckage. He kept up quite well, tempered me down a bit. Then he just decided to let me go on the path of partnership alone.
I blame him. I blame him for giving me high hopes then never filling the potential.
I want to cross him off the list of people who occupied my heart. I want to wipe the slate clean. No one loved me.
No one loved me like the man from Georgia who was sweet as a sunshine and made me laugh and blush. Who threw axes, and howled at the moon. Who let me be as silly as I wanted. Who made me happy and proud, even though I was a very different girl.
No one loved me quite like that boy who penned love notes via the internet, in a language that was so foreign to him. Who was quiet and tall and completely broken in being a romantic. And I broke it off with him, and wept in the bedroom from my lonely teen years.
No one loved me quite like the boy who always followed me with his eyes, and his heart. Who never truly told me what he felt, but was soft and kind as I hustled from one place to the other.
No one loved me like the man who held my face each night, with his big scarred hands, looking at me with a bit of hurt telling me with a slight surprised tone that he thought I was pretty. And who with a slightly surprised tone told me he loved me for the next 9 months. Like each time he looked at me, he still loved me, maybe even a little more each time.
I’m sorry, to all the men I’ve known, because in knowing, I knew I’d never love half has much as they thought they loved me.
I learned that love isn’t just saying the words. He used the words like I used to use “Je ne se pas” in french lectures, a cure all. “I love you” wasn’t a balm over your neglect, or my desires.
I was and am bewitched with the idea that there is solely one person that my happiness depends on. Before it was another, but it is me.
Now, I know if someone can make me nearly as happy as I can make myself, and I can make that someone nearly as happy as they make their self then there in lies the beginning of something.
Now, until then, I’ll just work on all the things that make me happy over here.