That Kind Of Woman

I once met a guy via tumblr. I was young, and hadn’t ever really been in a relationship. It was long distance, and because he and I weren’t very well suited for each other, things got difficult. It wasn’t as clean cut as I made it. It hurt a lot, especially when all i felt like was a passing fancy. I wanted grand romantic gestures and words. This guy, he just wasn’t that guy. I learned a lot. I also lied to myself. I told myself that I wouldn’t date from the internet. Casual flirtations… okay, yeah. 

But I told myself that boys from the internet were that. Just boys, a distraction. What me as a 20/21 year old thought she wanted out of a 25 year old boyfriend…. it was ridiculous.

Now, hold on… I have dated off the internet. I have sat back and watched my friends date, family members. I see compatibility and compassion. Understanding. Friendship. I had bad dates with good guys, I had good dates with bad guys. 

It’s a minefield. 

It’s brutal. And I thought that I was evolved. I was evolved because I didn’t settle into a relationship with someone who wasn’t right for me, and me not being right for them. I thought that I could conquer all. That I could bolding walk through the dating world, and not give any fucks. 

Boy was I wrong. Because just when you think you know exactly what you want, and exactly how to voice it. Bam. Someone falls into your lap. Virtually of course, so it’s not sunshine and rainbows. It’s like rain clouds and storms. 

Because I am telling myself repeatedly that it’s been 6 weeks. We talk everyday. Hours and hours of talking. Laughing. Teasing. Meeting parents, friends, family. It’s inside jokes. It’s liquor flavored words that spill from our lips. 

It’s not easy. Mostly because we had plans before we started talking. He’s going across the world to teach english for a year. I am straddling the city/country life. I am paying student loans and trying to establish myself as a dedicated and creative worker. He’s figuring out what do do for the next 5 years. So am I.

So when we glow at each other, it’s so great. He makes me float through things. I know he’s there for me, for little things or big things. To talk them over, to suggest and support. He is a part of my life. Day to day. And I am for him.

He’s coming to visit. In less than 2 weeks. I am terrified. My stomach leaps and jumps. I am so glad to have him in my life.

I think I lied to myself and him the first week were talking and I told him that I would never do a long distance relationship. I was too scared.

Because I realized something. I’d be a fool not to at least give this a shot. Not to give as much support and enthusiasm to him and us, as he is. Just because a version of me went through something that is vaguely similar.

It’s not even close. This time. Gosh, this time, it’s different. And I am so very excited. 

I don’t know why I am telling you this. Ah, whatever. Enjoy a little snippet into my romantic life, followers. 

I have not, honestly ever had as much male appreciation as I have had in the past couple months. I know it’s a weird thing to state, or reflect on, but I find that my transition from a teenager with no romantic interactions, to my romantic interactions as a young woman.

The scene changes depending where you hang out and what you do. But, in the past 2 years I have realized a lot about myself. Most recently, continual understanding of myself as an attractive person.

Not just physically. I am betting it’s not just physical, but it’s how I carry my physicality. The compliments that I have received are not only flattering because they compliment how I present myself, but how I act.

Men who I have been friends with for years are coming out of the wood work and telling me how much they find me attractive.

It’s bizarre. And awkward. It’s hard to look at a guy you have literally seen climb a building in jean short cut offs with inappropriate sharpie made illustrations on his body while handling a 40, and see a candidate for a relationship. It’s hard to look the 6’6” stoner who lived across the alley for a year, and also a former tenant of your family rental company and take him seriously when he asks you out and crudely informs you of how you fill out your top. 

I used to be pretty invisible to advances like this. I was in the first few years of college courted by guys for all the wrong reasons. They wanted to conquer, I was naive, but steadfast in my chastity. They moved on. Then I dated long distance, and gained some footing on what I can give to a relationship. An adult relationship.

I casually dated, I kissed, I flirted. For a while I did this. I felt… lost. Lost in the casual relationships other people wanted to build. And giving men i didn’t want to date a chance to date me. I don’t want that. So I stopped being nice to guys just because they voiced I was attractive.

I now laugh these guys off, pat them on the should and say “Sorry, bud, not interested.” But, it feels like a victory to myself that my face, and body haven’t changed in the last 5 years, but the way I carry myself has, and being able to hold fast to the standards that I want.

I dress to reflect my personality, I have confidence. I am not fearful of social settings anymore. Because, it’s my choice to be in them, or remove myself from them. I can be myself, and that is what is usually most attractive about someone. 

Sure, some guys are just going to look at camaraderie and just see that, and other guys are going to step looking to poke, pinch, and prod. 

It’s all about how you handle yourself. Don’t allow someone to manipulate you, or manipulate others into thinking things about you. Your choices and actions are what define you. How you handle rude men, or polite ones are your choice. 

I am extremely fortunate to have the security of knowing so many of the bartenders, door men, and security guys that live in town. I have friends that have checked my building when doors and windows have be broken. I have the constant understanding that if someone messes with me or my friends, I have authorities, and “big brothers” to go to. 

Playing pool has taught me so much about how men, in bars, usually treat women. Not only me, but the women around me. It’s also taught me that there are rules to the game and to the social situation.

Sure, these are small town bars, parties, social settings. But, it’s taught me a lot about myself in relation to how people see me.

Anyway, I am really quite happy being single right now. I am exploring friendships, my feelings are genuine and I’ve learned to be the authority on my dating life, and my feelings.